3 Enemies of Your Relationship

“I tell you something I don’t like, and you use it against me!” is one of the sentences I hear most from my clients who come for relationship therapy. I would like to touch on communication suggestions that will protect you from the three most common difficult situations in your relationship so that your fears do not happen to you. Let’s examine the 3 enemies of your relationship.

Throughout my career as a psychologist, I’ve had the opportunity to provide couples therapy and relationship counseling to many couples and families whose relationships had taken on a neurotic dynamic. I’ve listened to countless individuals and couples. Based on my observations, the first point I’d emphasize is the importance of clearly defining the “red lines” in a relationship early on. A relationship is a mutual creation. We cannot say or do everything that comes to mind, because the other person—whether they realize it or not—is also a part of the process. At every stage of a relationship, it’s essential to answer certain questions:

What do I want?

What isn’t working?

If you love the person you’re with, you should be able to calmly say to them, “When you act this way, I feel this way. I needed to share this with you because you’re important to me.”

The second point I’d emphasize is that focusing on your partner’s issues, rather than solely on your own, often leads to better outcomes. This is a conclusion I’ve reached through working with many clients who sought family therapy, relationship counseling, or couples therapy. In a relationship, we are both the guard and the prisoner. The things we criticize in our partner often touch on the deeply rooted traumas within ourselves. However, by not fixating solely on our own problems, we protect ourselves from breaking apart. When we accept this, we realize that helping our partner grow is often easier than trying to change ourselves. From my observations, our partner is often the person best equipped to help us soften our negative judgments. The neurotic dynamics of a relationship are not destined to last forever; sometimes, the reason we need relationship therapy lies within the relationship itself.

Let’s touch on the 3 Basic Problems in Relationships and observe whether you need relationship therapy. While doing this, we will question 3 things. 1- What do we say? 2- What do our words mean? 3- What should this make us question?

3 Enemies of Your Relationship: Fear of Commitment

What do you say? “Can you give me back my house key? I need to make more.” “Let’s not see each other more than three times a week, it bores me.” “I don’t want to leave stuff at your house and take up space.”.. Your partner senses from these sentences that you have hesitations about committing yourself to the relationship. What do your words mean?You are hesitant to enter a relationship as if you are trapped. On the one hand, you feel close to the person you are with, but on the other hand, you are afraid of suffocating. When you are attached to someone, you can’t help but feel like you can’t maintain your autonomy. The worst part is that if you tell your partner about all these fears, they will abandon you. What should this make us question?What is the reason you are so afraid of attachment? Remember that in an emotional relationship, it is impossible not to be attached to the person you are with. There is a kind of attachment between couples.

3 Enemies of Your Relationship: Fear of Cheating

It would be wrong to think that a relationship will be in danger only because of one-sided fears in couples. Everything is mutual in a relationship. What are you saying? “You talked to him all night. What happened, did you like him?” “Where were you?” “Why did you follow him on Instagram?” “Who are you messaging with?” Such suspicious behaviors can shake the foundation of a relationship and break the other person’s heart What do your words mean? The feeling of jealousy is heartbreaking because jealousy is actually about your sensitive points, your lack of self-confidence. When your partner looks at someone else or talks to someone else, it’s like you’re reliving a painful experience over and over again. What should this make us question? What prevents you from believing that you can be the first or only for someone? Did your siblings or neighbors always come before you in your childhood? How did they make you feel so useless in the past that you still can’t get over this feeling? Is this the first relationship you’ve experienced because of the lack of confidence you feel?

3 Enemies of Your Relationship: Having difficulty asking for help

If your partner is open to criticism, they can take your warnings into consideration without being bothered, share responsibilities, and actively participate in the process of recreating the relationship. What are you saying? “I’m tired of doing everything myself.” “You never take care of the kids.” “I’m always cleaning up after you.” “If I did it myself, I’d have finished it long ago.”.. Your partner has no choice but to give up and retreat. What do your words mean? You may have problems with delegating work to someone else. When you somehow manage to do this, things don’t go the way you want them to. Your expectations are so high that you can never really achieve what you want. What should this make us question? Let’s go back to your childhood. How were you raised? In the environment you were raised, were your family’s expectations of you so high that no one else could reach them? Did you grow up in an environment where you couldn’t trust anyone but yourself?